To hell and back

This is something I wrote 4 years ago about the 4 years prior. I have since walked headfirst into more demons and solved some of the pains I felt in this writing, only to walk into some severely more undead souls.

So the writing is relevant I figured I would post it here as well and I might remove some of these old writing from Fetlife where they currently live.

The past four years of my life have been a whirlwind. I bet the past four years of your life have been too. I have seen the highs and lows. The bottom of the bottles. I have worked the frontline watching peoples adverse needs to ruin themselves because someone else hurt them directly or indirectly and they hold that to their hearts like I held knives to my body as though that self mutilation was a revelation to the rest of the world with the motto “look what you did to me”

I have learnt patience. I have seen people die physically or spiritually. I have walked with the undead. Those who fail to see love still lies within after having their hearts torn from their chests by the selfishness of others.

I have learnt that any pain lasting longer than 12 minutes is self inflicted. If you choose to carry that pain like atlas carries the world that is on you and no one else.

I have seen scum. The bottom feeders. The ones trying to please an urge within themselves that will never go away as the urge only gets stronger at the expense of those who love them. The smart ones learn not to carry the harm caused to them but indeed let it go.

I have practiced mindfulness throughout days of being told “you should have let me die why did you call the ambulance?” To which I learned to reply with “Sorry I enabled you to carry on with your life so you could see the next spring flowers bloom.” When that made these people angry I said, “Sorry I won’t next time” which left some more at peace than the kind words I would have previously said.

I went into helping others with the intentions of changing the world and learned quickly that the wise words one told me years prior was that evolution is a series of small changes and in the bigger picture kindness adds up.

I have been ogled. Put myself up for show. Allowed myself to engage in risky situations. I caused most of my own emotional and physical pain in life by carrying around demons.

I have met great people with nothing and horrible people with something.

My sense of humour is dry, mean, and disturbing. I am an optimistic cynic. I wish the best for people but watch them and let them learn from their own ignorant choices that continue their own suffering. You can only try to hint at the bigger picture though most people will only see their path and what they want.

I will make people smile. I never get into the middle of bickering. I am self aware and unknowing of many things. I am aware of my choices, my surroundings and the intentions of others when they talk to me. I am observant and can come across cold hearted and ruthless.

So if you choose to message me to “chat” I know whether or not you are sincere or if you want to fuck or sext. Sincerity is wonderful. I despise small chat. Keep your words enthralling and maybe I would not be such a cunt to all of you who just want to see if I’m a dumb slut.

If I’m a slut. You’re my toy, and I like to chew my toys up before I play with them like any kitten would. I have a brain. Please challenge it.